The End of May

26th

Its been a bad month. I’m miserable now. I don’t talk to V anymore and told her I didn’t want her in my life and it was hard and painful. Some hope went with her and now I’m bored and wondering what the point could be. Love I don’t like it’s toxic and none of it good. I don’t want anyone to touch me or think they have me they’ll just hurt me. V you messed me up in the wrong places. My friends keep me afloat my family too but mainly it’s the hope of summer. I just want open road and country. I want my arm covered.

I keep hoping I’ll feel good when a day goes by and each day I’m not feeling better and I’m left hoping on the next.

I have no desires. My passions are bankrupt. There is nothing on the earth I pine for. 

I’m nobody’s dream. I’m safety’s backup. I’m nothing lasting to her. God, could you change this story, I don’t like where it goes.


28th

My god you did it. The story is new. She called and we talked and she said all the sweet things I never heard before. She told me everything I wanted. She says she loves me, says our romance isn’t over, that she wants to be with me, that she could see herself marrying me. Not in those exact words you know.

She really wants me. I didn’t know it was so much. She was so honest with me. My buzz helped my honesty with her. I do love her as I’ve loved her every other day. And I want her too. And she wants me as her friend at least. And I can decide what I want.

I told her I love her just like that. She said the words made her feel so many things for me. It did a lot for her I think. I couldn’t respond when she told me things I got broken up and anxious and the words wouldn’t come.


29th

The month of may an amazing month it’s been so cruel to me and in the end how is it feeling?

I told her goodbye one final time and she said goodbye and that’s it. It’s done. I can tell you I do want to fall in love with other people. I don’t see her like I used to. Jamie told me meeting Elsie was what made him want to have kids. I don’t feel that way with her anymore.

Years will come and go and at the end of all of them will any of this have made a difference? I’m taken by the conception that these days are decided before I’ve seen them through. My decisions only contribute to a million paths that converge upon the same destination. My compass is oriented about her, my path about this planet returns to itself. 

If in a dreamy second I entreat the adventures of adventures and wander along that rainy sea to a french shore I give my heart leave for the day to seek its silhouette. 

The month of May an amazing month it’s been so cruel to me and in the end, I know now the feelings she had for me were of caliber. I know now a friendship is impossible if she doesn’t change. I know now she sees a distant future with me. I know too that I must love someone besides. For them for her for me it matters perhaps to God but not to me. I have in my way the written days, and to this life I’ve been allowed I promise only to play them out.

 

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