On an American road I didn’t meet anybody but I did almost die a couple times and thought I was gonna die a few more times than that and figured out damn near what I thought then was the end when my dog was real sick what I was gonna do about my girl that wasn’t mine anymore. At the end of it all my dog wasn’t sick no more and it was momma who was sick and my girl that wasn’t mine anymore was more mine than ever and still wasn’t mine a damn and everything I’d figured out just a few years back when I’d started along those roads had gone to hell and I just couldn’t bring myself to drive down there and take it back.
So I tell you what I mean when I say its clear when the roads end. I’ve gotta way of thinking what’s before the roads goes on forever and what’s after just stops with each moment I’m at. And when I think of those days along the roads they turn into months and years and then my whole life has been along those roads and then every day my dad was alive was along those roads and the sick people their days are closing along the ends of these roads till the moments they’re at are the rest of their lives. Sick people would tell you better than me why the old roads go on forever and tomorrow’s doesn’t just seem so.
I was 18 when I started going about. I’d have gone earlier but there’s nowhere to go when you don’t have roads to go on and then when you do and a reason to go on ‘em they pick you up and carry you long across the country and then you’re really someone. What took me at first was a breakup that had happened two years before the road. What took me into that was a good sense that I’d need a good girl who loved me like crazy to carry me through bad days. What took me into that was a good sense that love ain’t like its songs. And so I knew at a good young age that I’d need a girl who loved me like crazy and I found one and didn’t love her like I should’ve cause there was nothing in me but her that felt what she felt.
And so when that went there was nothing in me at all and when you find that there’s nothing in you, you’ve gotta go and go fast to find something else to shove in there or else you go too long and the whole thing tightens up quick and then prying it open takes another good girl who loves you like crazy and those are hard to find, especially when you’ve got nothing to give ‘em but an empty place for them to put what they haven’t realized they’re not willing to lose. So I waited two years with only a little coming and going to keep my emptiness from coming on too permanent and then when she came in once more around the beginning of senior year and scraped through her old keep safe to make sure she’d gotten everything she’d given, cause she needed it, well, then I took off in a hurry and packed up my car I call Lilith and drove with nothing anybody could take away.