Yesterday I went to visit her for the last time. She was sweet, and she told me about what was happening in her life, and about Stefano, and about going to see him. It was his 21st. She was gonna be babysitting him and his friends. She told me she wasn’t gonna have sex with him.
And I kept trying to explain what just then I was feeling, but I’ve come to learn that those moments you try to own, those seconds you fill with a years worth of voice, if she misses a word of it, it’s all worth nothing – and so I tried to explain the distance I felt, and she just kept texting him. And then, then it felt at first aligned, I felt at first as if she were fighting him and I could help. Then it went on and I felt more nothing at all. And then finally it went on too long and I felt compelled to leave for reasons I couldn’t understand so clearly.
It was that same notice when she said that she can’t come over all the time. It was the same thing Victoria had said before that was so fucking awful – and now their similarities come and I have little choice but to try again or give up.
The bigger desire is to have someone who can care about a person that occupies their heart more than the million others that they’ve allowed in.
Its a wonder and a show of the times that this reads a eulogy and the kiss a birth certificate.