It should’ve been raining, or freezing, but the night had no concern for my drama. It was bland – colder in this pale moonlight, and tomorrow it’d be hotter than it had been back home.
“Mommy, I missed you!” and I was out the door. I didn’t think about what she was thinking. I’d been gone so long, it felt like, my whole damn life it could’ve been. It made sense not to be home for too long. I was in the car the world was black save the stars.
“I don’t feel so much for her, not anymore. I won’t be with her – I know she will want to, I’ll have to tell her no, I know it’ll be hard. I think she’s trying to change.”
I was driving to see her, the land stretched flat before me, my music flooded from my speakers, from my windows, and made all the world turn about me. She’d be with her family. She’d have fought with her fresh ex. Her parents would have fought again. And for the night she’d want to not be alone too long.
Tomorrow I’d wake up with my hair stuck to my face, the room was warm already. I’d turn over and the heat would come off my chest. I thought of telling her – but how could I? Why would I? Who is she anyways? Truth be told – it’s all a wait for her.
And she’d say I’m too damn caring – too damn loving – and I just learned at 19 that some people hurt more than they can heal. And the next day after she’d text me a heart and a ring, I’d reply with a heart.
She’d had a past too – a big one – she’d not told me about it for so long, and then all at once, she’d decided to be without it. Around then I suppose I decided it wasn’t right to give up on people – or she decided and came to me – what’s the difference.
These two girls. She loves me so much – would marry me tomorrow. She is distant and broken. How could she want me, how could I want her, when we love them.
“I don’t feel romantic for her.” I just want her to change, so I can.