It’s the disappearing in the middle of an important conversation. It’s the empty responses after my long and vulnerable ones. It’s the psychosis I feel growing in my head. It’s the misery she gives me. She’s not good for me today, and yet today, she’s my perfect war. A war I’m losing.
It’s saying goodnight early to see if it’ll get her to respond. It’s turning my phone off because if I don’t I’ll lose my fucking mind. It’s wishing it was possible to break up with her again to push her even further away.
It’s the place in her mind she departs to that changes her. It’s the pain in my chest, right over my heart, I just felt as I wrote that last sentence. It’s the feeling of being in a cycle that never ends. Its the self hate for allowing it for so long after I thought I learned better. It’s checking my phone again and again as I’m writing this, hoping she responded, knowing she didn’t. It’s checking this page, again and again, to see if she saw this, even though I know she doesn’t read it.
It’s proclaiming independence one hour and falling back in love the next. How can someone take it? The toll is wagered against my sanity every time. I’m losing.
I can’t handle it much more. These words are desperate. I’m being defeated. I felt like hitting myself. I tried to cry but couldn’t. God, please help me. Give my heart a break. Give hers a break to help mine. Why do I deserve this? What have I done? Is my love wrong? Did I not pray for the right things? I’m sorry if I wasn’t good. I don’t know how to be. My body is wilting. My hope grows numb to love. Everything rots.